Holly Golightly.

"For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone.” - Audrey Hepburn.

I have this life-size poster of Audrey Hepburn pinned up on my wall. I remember putting it there, early last year, to remind me of this exact quote. I think Audrey is amazing and her poster is meant to remind me everyday to stay beautiful... but I am ashamed, to admit, that it has recently been quite the contrary, and has instead made me realise how ugly I've become, and I'm not referring to my exterior. Maybe my mind is just doing itself in, or I'm just too easily shifted by what other people think, but I don't like the change I've seen in myself lately. How easy it is to tick me off, when I used to be the most carefree person ever. How I lose my temper and composure over small issues when I used to be able to control what I needed to care about and what I did not. How I always need to say things, do things to convince myself and everyone else of the things I possess, when did I get so insecure...:( How selfish, mean and close minded I've become, I'm hurting people and I'm hurting me. This isn't who I am. I feel like I've swapped bodies or something and it smells gross. Sometimes I wake up and get out of bed, standing in my baby blue nighty with two hands on my hips and staring up at Audrey and I could just imagine her looking at me with disappointed eyes. Sigh, I so want to go back, to where I was before. Well way before it all went wrong...

There is a reason for why I am, the way I am. Both you and I will never know exactly 100% why.

I don't wanna lose myself over little dramas. I don't wanna lose my friends over insignificant love. I don't wanna lose my conscience over the dark things I've been through, I really need to get back. I know this isn't who I am and I'm sort of struggling to find the way to get by, and I smell how obvious it is. I guess things have just been going on too quickly for too long, I can't keep up and when the rock that I've been leaning on, suddenly turns into the rock that's used to hit me, all I want to do is chuck a sook and run, but my feet just aren't fast enough. So I drive. I drive far far away, hoping nobody catches me (especially the cops, coz the consequence to that is quite frankly, irritating.) I don't know when I lost control and I know I've been sitting in this stupid puddle for a while, wanting to get out but doing nothing about it. I've been to dependent on the things that drag me down, I need to snip that off. Goddamn, give me some independence. I'm ready for a change, so bring it on. I don't wanna wallow anymore. All this time, I've been so absorbed thinking about what other people think of me, impressing them, upsetting them, giving them reasons to backstab and piss on me (not literally, ew hygiene). But it's not them that I need to fix. It's me. I need a break (thank goodness for the holidays) and I need to get back to the person I was before. I'm determined to break my bad habits. Make me beautiful again.

Ah apologies for going all emo and sentimental on you people. I don't mean the burden. I just needed to vomit this out.

xoxo